Self-Care

I had intended to write this whole post on conflict. I’ve had a lot more of it in the last few months than usual and I’ve been thinkig about its causes and ramifications, but as I’ve stepped back to try to figure out what’s going on I’ve come to the conclusion that the issue is a lack of self-care.

Last August I had a bit of a meltdown from which I’ve not totally recovered, and have had a couple of subsequent mini-meltdowns. A few of the things that coincided with the melting down is the discontinuation of meeting with my spiritual director and of the practice of yoga. Neither were conscious decisions, they were all a matter of schedules. Over time my interior life has begun to gradually fray around the edges and I’m on a mission of course correction.

This is not to say that I’ve not had any “me-time” over the last few months, because I have. I’ve taken days to myself, had a couple of spa treatments, unplugged, whatever. What I’m learning is that it’s not enough to remove stimulus. I have to replace it with something nourishing. It’s like I have an energy eating disorder – binging, purging, starving, and then expecting to be healthy.

Then we get to the conflict. If you think I use my wit as a blunt instrument in real life, you should hear me in the midst of a heated discussion. I don’t fight fair. It’s part of my “win-at-any-cost” mentality that I can only hope is being smoothed over with time. Being a person of extreme temperament, I either run screaming or rearrange deck chairs on the Titanic. No middle ground with me. I have a lot more questions than answers on this topic. When to stay and when to walk away?

As I said, one of the things I need to put back is yoga. The other night I did 2 back-to-back classes (again with the extreme) and when we got to the shevasina at the end the instructor said that when we do our shevasina we are practicing for our death. We release ourselves  into the care of a greater force. As a person who practices Christian spirituality that is something I’m called to do every day. Jesus asks us to take up our crosses and Paul tells us that we have been crucified with Christ so that we no longer live but Christ lives in and through us. I realized in that moment that I had not been releasing myself into the care of God and that has been the cause of my unraveling. This will be my practice during Lent. Stay tuned.

Friday Five – Taking A Break

Songbird writes:

Where we live, it’s February School Vacation Week! Yes, that’s an odd thing, a vacation extending President’s Day. But it’s part of our lives here. Some people go South or go skiing, but we always stay home and find more humble amusements. In that spirit, I offer this Taking a Break Friday Five. Tell us how you would spend:

1. a 15 minute break

On a 15 minute break I usually walk down the street or down the Embarcadero to the Ferry building.

2. an afternoon off

Afternoons off are great for catching movies or visiting museums. I also like to use them to run errands and buy groceries.

3. an unexpected free day

Unexpected free days are the best. Those are good for sleeping in and then slowly sipping coffee while watching some recorded TV. Other activities might include a walk in Golden Gate Park or on the beach, strolling through the de Young, a mani/pedi, and trying a new recipe – perfect day.

4. a week’s vacation

I am working on making my next week’s vacation a trip to Hawaii. I have a good friend from seminary who lives on a cliff in Hilo and is dying to take me to a volcano. It sounds dangerous but I’m sure it would be relaxing.

5. a sabbatical

A sabbatical would probably be a cooking tour of Italy/Spain/France. I’d love to travel around and take cooking classes and tour museums and cathedrals.

Eating My Shadow

Back when I was taking classes in spiritual direction at the Mercy Center, we had a workshop with a gentleman called Don Bisson. Dr. Bisson is a Marist brother and a pioneer in the dialog between Jungian psychology and Christian spirituality, which I totally dig. His talk on transformation only occurring when one encounters the shadow, either external or internal, was brilliant and super fun to apply to other people. Not as much to myself.

In my last session with my spiritual director, she mentioned hearing Don speak the previous weekend and that he talked about “eating one’s shadow.” What an intriguing idea this is – that one would not merely acknowledge the existence of the shadow but would engage it, devour it and allow it to nourish and become part of you.

I’m in a phase of my life where I am (yet again) realizing that perhaps I don’t have the most accurate view of myself.  Who knew? My life seems to be a constant peeling away of a shell of self-reliance and someday I’ll learn to stop fighting it. It’s a bit like when my parents would spank me and rather than cry to make them stop, I would defiantly glare at them and tell them that it didn’t hurt.  Stubborn much? Add 30 years and not much has changed.