I had intended to write this whole post on conflict. I’ve had a lot more of it in the last few months than usual and I’ve been thinkig about its causes and ramifications, but as I’ve stepped back to try to figure out what’s going on I’ve come to the conclusion that the issue is a lack of self-care.
Last August I had a bit of a meltdown from which I’ve not totally recovered, and have had a couple of subsequent mini-meltdowns. A few of the things that coincided with the melting down is the discontinuation of meeting with my spiritual director and of the practice of yoga. Neither were conscious decisions, they were all a matter of schedules. Over time my interior life has begun to gradually fray around the edges and I’m on a mission of course correction.
This is not to say that I’ve not had any “me-time” over the last few months, because I have. I’ve taken days to myself, had a couple of spa treatments, unplugged, whatever. What I’m learning is that it’s not enough to remove stimulus. I have to replace it with something nourishing. It’s like I have an energy eating disorder – binging, purging, starving, and then expecting to be healthy.
Then we get to the conflict. If you think I use my wit as a blunt instrument in real life, you should hear me in the midst of a heated discussion. I don’t fight fair. It’s part of my “win-at-any-cost” mentality that I can only hope is being smoothed over with time. Being a person of extreme temperament, I either run screaming or rearrange deck chairs on the Titanic. No middle ground with me. I have a lot more questions than answers on this topic. When to stay and when to walk away?
As I said, one of the things I need to put back is yoga. The other night I did 2 back-to-back classes (again with the extreme) and when we got to the shevasina at the end the instructor said that when we do our shevasina we are practicing for our death. We release ourselves into the care of a greater force. As a person who practices Christian spirituality that is something I’m called to do every day. Jesus asks us to take up our crosses and Paul tells us that we have been crucified with Christ so that we no longer live but Christ lives in and through us. I realized in that moment that I had not been releasing myself into the care of God and that has been the cause of my unraveling. This will be my practice during Lent. Stay tuned.