Today I received a request to connect on LinkedIn from someone with whom I’ve not been associated in about 5 years. This is someone who I worked with at a church in a worship leadership capacity at a church in SF that is now disbanded because it was a toxic cesspool of dysfunction. I’m not really sure why he chose this moment to re-connect, nor do I really care, to be honest. I was trying to remember today what the catalyst was for our ultimate falling out and I can’t quite recall the specifics, although I’m pretty sure it had something to do with him treating me like shit and me being over it.
It doesn’t really matter why there was a falling out, but it was the best thing for me and maybe for him. I have this thing in all types of relationships where I put up with WAY too much crap and don’t use my words until I finally get too pissed off to hold it in anymore and I go ape shit and take you DOWN. Super healthy, no? I promised myself that that particular situation was the last time that would happen and so far that’s been true. It was that straw that broke the back of that unhealthy pattern and so far, it’s working really well. Conversations I used to see as “confrontation” I now see as “negotiation” and it’s made a huge difference.
Forgiveness is the other part of this equation. Have I truly forgiven the one to whom I used to refer as Rev. Evilspawn? Most likely. I don’t wish him ill, mainly because he’s so self-destructive he does it for me and I don’t have to waste the energy. Here’s how I feel about all experiences, negative and positive: They’re part of what has made me who I am, and I like who I am. I learned, I’m a better person, I’ve moved on. Does forgiveness mean we need to be connected on LinkedIn? Not at all. Forgiveness is for me, not for him. I don’t need to continue to be connected to this person that is not good for me. He’s not a bad person, it’s just that the combination of our psychoses is exceptionally noxious. The important thing is that I’ve let go of it and moved on and I don’t need to revisit it.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.