What’s black & white & red all over? This year’s red carpet! (I should totally write for E!). I’m going to highlight the best, the worst and the blah. Here goes:
Angelina Jolie. I put her here because I love her, but MY KINGDOM FOR SOME COLOR. She usually does black or white, or maybe nude. Remember that gorgeous emerald green dress she wore at Cannes when she was expecting the twins? Do that more! She stood like this when she presented too, like she REALLY NEEDED us to know the dress had a slit up to there.
Sandra Bullock. I love the idea of this dress, but I feel like that embellishment at the hips is a little aggressive. It looks great on her, though. I’m sure the Oscars has some negative associations for her, though.
Gwyneth Paltrow in Tom Ford. Amazeballs. She needs to go back in time to that horrible goth thing she wore and show that Gwyneth how it’s done. She’s sleek, modern & classy. Well done. Not sure what she has against her left arm. Why did your right arm get all the pretty?
Esmeralda Spalding. WTF? This is 19 kinds of wrong. Natural hair is awesome, but you can at least do something with it. And the dress? Ill fitting mess. It looks like a used bridesmaid dress made of curtains.
Cameron Diaz. On stage this looked white, but in this picture it’s more peach. I think she looks amazing in it but I’m not wild about the color, white or peach, but white is better.
Janet McTeer. This is visual Xanax. Age appropriate doesn’t have to be a snoozefest. Congrats, Janet. You made red boring.
Sheri Shepherd. A couple of questions. First, why is Sheri Shepherd at the Oscars? Second, who told her this dress was a good idea? She is bigger on the top, smaller on the bottom and this dress just makes her look like more of an inverted triangle. It’s not flattering, that collar/belt combo is awful.
Natalie Portman. I hate this. That is all.
Bo Derek. Flawless. This how you do age appropriate, Janet.
Emma Stone. Emma, Emma, Emma. You’ve done a lot of events this season and have nailed every one of them. And then, the super bowl of award shows comes, and you do something like this. What is with the giant bow that looks like it’s eating your neck? This is bad. It’s like choir dress bad. Bad.
Jennifer Lopez. Pity she couldn’t stand like this on stage. It doesn’t look as bad here as it did when she presented. Lordy – her hips look a MILE wide in this, due in large part to the horizontal stripes across them. The plunge is too deep, the cold shoulders are awful, it’s just not a good look. If it weren’t a mermaid skirt, she stitched up the plunge and closed the sleeves, she’d be ok. But she didn’t. And we have this.
Meryl Streep. I don’t love this. It’s a gold robe, not flattering, looks thrown together. Styling is good, though.
Tina Fey. She’s looking better and better as she loses the baby weight at a normal pace, but TINA – STOP WITH THE BLACK. She ALWAYS wears black to EVERYTHING. I’m over it.
Ana Faris. Not sure why she’s there, nor am I sure why she felt like she needed to dress like a pop star from Star Trek. She’s trying to be a toned-down Lady Gaga and wearing something that looks frightfully uncomfortable.
Octavia Spencer. Gorgeous. It’s flattering, beautiful, classy, perfect for the favored (and actual) winner for Best Supporting Actress.
Melissa Leo. Hate it. Matronly, bad shoe choice, awful, the whole thing. Her hair is fine.
Glenn Close. I mostly like the dress. It fits her well and I like the bustier effect, but I don’t love that bow thing at the back. I also don’t love that it’s paired with a tuxedo jacket. I think she could have pulled off strapless, but if not, maybe some sort of sheer shrug or wrap.
Kate Mora. What’s with the face? Did they not tell you they’d be taking your picture? Because you look good. I like it. Could have used some jewelry – the styling is …….zzzzzzzzz…..sorry…I dozed off. But the dress is good. Lighten up – your sister is nominated and you are a gazillionaire b/c your family owns not one but TWO football teams. Can I get at least 1% of a smile?
Rooney Mara. Ok, Kate. See how much better you look than your sister? Here’s what I like to refer to as a serious titscrepancy. Where the boobs are and where the dress thinks the boobs should be do not match. And the white dress is basically the same color as her skin. I confess that most of the time I can’t look directly at Rooney because she has such a creepy look all the time. The bangs are too harsh. This does not work on any level. It’s bad. Bad.
Michelle Williams. I’m giving her snaps for wearing what appears to be a grown up dress. She so often goes for prissy vintage, which is cute, but this is the Oscars. I don’t love the dress, but it’s good for her.
Busy Phillips. Again, why is she here? And that dress? It’s upholstery. Pink shoes? Just because your show is set in Miami doesn’t mean you need to bring it home with you. And the trend of the side-swept hair? It’s bad when it’s big and curly but like this it’s all straight and sad.
Judd Apatow & Leslie Mann. She looks amazing and he’d better thank his higher power every day that she married him. She’s hot and funny and smart. And she looks AMAZING.
Maya Rudolph. I give you some credit for the color, but girl, this doesn’t look good. I get that you’re also in the process of losing baby weight, but there are many other ways to go for flattering and mermaid and jersey isn’t it.
Viola Davis. I don’t love the color, but girl, I’m not mad atcha. You have ridiculous arms and your new-found appreciation for natural hair looks amazing. This dress working for you, just see if it comes in something other than kelly green.
Rose Byrne. Apparently she has the same stylist as Ana Faris. Maybe that’s why she looks so pissed.
George Clooney and Stacy Kiebler. Your gun is sticking into my hip. Hate the giant rose, hate the side-swept hair, otherwise, it’s fine, just kinda a shiny gold dress.
Judy Greer. Either she’s rounding out the trio of space age pop stars or her date is Pepe LePew. Hate it.
Shailene Woodley. Classy, elegant, age-appropriate. Love it.
Jessica Chastian. This goes against everything I would normally like, but for some reason I love this for her. I don’t think that it would work on anyone else, but I totally dig it. I know.
Missi Pyle. Hate it. Hate the color, hate the style, hate the brooch, hate her hair, hate all of it. Hate. It.
Melissa McCarthy. I want to love this. I love her. This is just sloppy and poorly made. It’s wrinkled, the seams are pulling in the skirt, there’s that random panel of other-colored fabric in the sleeve. Don’t love.
Ellie Kemper. Other than it looking like her bangs are going to eat her face, I love this dress. It’s fiery, fun, and elegant. I think she was smart to go with the dangly earrings and no necklace in this case. It’s a lot of dress, so it would have been too much. Well done.
Kelly Osbourne. Along with her mother, Sharon, I too hate her gray/purple hair, especially with the side sweep. However, she is WEARING that dress. She looks great.
Sarah Hyland. I really love this for her. It’s classy but with enough asymmetry to make it not totally boring, although it is toeing the line. I like the color for her, too.
Nancy O’Dell. And we end with the most god-awful atrocity of the evening. This is so bad, I don’t even feel like I need to say anything. If she was concerned that she might be hit by a car on the way to the red carpet, she can rest easy.