80/20

For nearly the last two weeks (roughly 80% of them) I’ve not consciously been aware of any anxiety. There have been some poor eating habits in the last week, but I chalk that up to the work people continually bringing in food for other people’s birthdays. I’ve known in theory that I should have some level of anxiety and today it hit me. I’m a bit scared of what will be on this mammogram. I know that the chances of it being nothing are, well, 80%, so that’s good. But today, with about 20% of those 2 weeks to go, I’ve gotten nervous. I’ve never had a mammogram before, let alone a diagnostic one with an ultra-sound because there’s something in there that maybe shouldn’t be there. I’ve been practicing though – lying on the ground and allowing the garage door to close on me. I’m told it’s very similar.

Our church is relocating and today was our last day in the space. Such change can be disconcerting for some and so I chose songs about God being constant and holding us regardless of changing circumstances. A lot of our folks are dealing with personal upheaval as well as our community transition, so I hope the song choices were as comforting for them as they were for me. The songs, with my favorite parts of them were:

The classic Psalm 105
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
God’s mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning, new every morning
Great is Your faithfulness, Oh Lord
Great is Your faithfulness

The Solid Rock – my favorite verse is:
His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood
When all around my soul gives way
He then is all my hope and stay

Your Love is Deep by Jami Smith

Your love is deeper than my view of grace
Higher than this worldly place
Longer than this road I’ve traveled
Wider than the gap you filled

In Your Hands by Reuben Morgan
I’m so secure, You’re here with me
You stay the same
Your love remains here in my heart
So close I believe You’re holding me now
In Your hands I belong, You’ll never let me go

Because I’m a church musician I automatically go to music for identification and comfort. These are just a few of the many that I love. I spent the rest of the day madly working to organize my room, putting out a sizable donation for Salvation Army to pick up tomorrow, baking peanut butter cookies and getting myself ready for the day tomorrow. The anxiety has lessened somewhat but it’s still there. I would appreciate your prayers (although, given the sensitive nature of this issue, there will be no laying on of hands). I have my dear friend Lilyan coming with me to my appointment. She and I have been friends since sixth grade and she lives in LA. She happens to be up here for a few weeks for work, so it’s worked out great. I know that on Tuesday I’ll go in, it will all be fine, and I’ll see them next year. All good. I just want to know NOW. Until then, I know that I can rest in the stability and covenant love of God that will never let me go.

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